Every so often I like writing posts that I realize not everyone will agree upon.
I wrote this post today because I saw this article on Shine (part of yahoo.com) called “5 Things Women Say to Send a Guy Running,”and I snickered a bit to myself.
I love how ladies’ brains always function in the most complex and ‘creative’ ways. We’ve had He’s Just Not Into You the book, then the movie, oh, and the Sex and the City episode. And still, our dense little brains don’t get it.
The article made me chuckle because I too ignored all the damn books, movies and lectures because I couldn’t unplug my brain either. I really think it took yoga, eight break-ups, time, and wisdom to finally frickin get it. So let me help you out the best I can chickadees, and gents, feel free to chime in if I have this wrong.
DUDES ARE SIMPLE.
IF THEY WANT YOU THEY WILL HAVE YOU.
Let’s put this into practice. Here are a few examples where you may feel uneasy about your gent.
You get jelly because you see him talking to a girl/spending time with a girl.
Obviously you like him, but if you are his girl, what do you have to worry about? He ain’t going nowhere. If he does stray, well then, he was never really yours, and you were never really his girl. Move on, there will be a guy for you. Trust me.
You tell him to call when he gets home.
If you are his girl, he will do it. If he doesn’t, then runs away because he thinks you are momming him around- uh, hello, you’re not his girl.
You talk about getting married for some ungodly amount of time.
You make future plans together and things start happening- you’re his girl. Or, he keeps saying- wait until I get this promotion, wait until we have a house, wait until the Mayan calendar runs out… yeah, not his girl.
He tells you there are things you need to change.
Finding excuses for why you can’t be the one yet or finding things “wrong with you”- well, you’re not his girl. If you’re his girl, he is actually going to love who you are. I once had a boyfriend tell me if I were two inches taller, I would be perfect as his wife. Kinda lame that someone would say that. Even lamer that he would tell me after we’d been dating for two years and it was not during puberty. Yeah, we broke up.
We think there are things we say or things we do, or things about us that ‘scare guys off’. Excuses. If you are the right girl- nothing you will do will scare him off. Period. Excuses. When the dude knows it’s the girl, he realizes his short, precious time on this planet and MAKES SHIZ HAPPEN.
Let’s time warp a bit in my life to… well, ever since I was born through just before my 35th birthday. I think that is when the light bulb came on (yes, it took me that long).
Back then, I’d meet a guy and I would do what ALL GIRLS DO when I met a guy who I’ve gone on 1-3 dates with… and really like them:
1) What would my last name be with his?
2) Will he like my family? I think he would totally get along with my family.
3) I wonder how long until we’re bf and gf.
4) I wonder how/when he’ll propose.
5) Do you think he wants kids? I say within a year or two of being married. I’ll have to ask him his stance on that.
Meanwhile, outwardly, you’re saying, ‘oh I’m in no hurry… we’re taking it slow… blah blah.’ Or something similar. Don’t deny it girls. The planning has already begun because the planning actually began when we were four years old.
So yes, that was me with my various degrees of datees and boyfriends… each a little different and each time I was a little more skeptical and jaded than the previous, but still, I never gave up hope that these guys would realize how absolutely amazing I was and they would do anything to be with me. Except they didn’t.
When push came to shove – NONE of these guys really stepped up. And that is when I started to notice something… that when guys did step up (it was never with me)- it was like, they were done. They got it. Something in them just said, this is my girl, I’m done. And they did something about it. I have tons of examples. Here are a few.
Ex #1 – College BF. we dated for eight months. I thought maybe, after college… but no. We broke up and he proposed to his next girlfriend one year later. One year later? Obviously, I wasn’t the one.
Ex #2- Dated for three years. Three years. He attended all my family functions, etc. Marriage was an iffy topic. He was never sure. We broke up- one year later, he too was engaged. One year later! He would tell me later, he knew she was the one right away. He knew! He didn’t know with me. He said he really wanted it to be me, but something was holding him back.
Mr. Bean– my buddy from work. Dated a couple of girls for several years, never really pulled the trigger even though he was in love with them and adored them. Something kept him from doing it. Met his wife and they were engaged within six months. Done.
Now, I’m not advocating to go out and get engaged after six months. But I do think a guy knows pretty quickly if you’re his lady or not. Hey, he may take a REASONABLE amount of time to get the thing going.
What about the guys who hem and haw and hem and haw and do finally give in? Well, a lot of them seemed resigned, sometimes miserable. Or they’re just putting in more emotional work, ultimately. Interestingly enough, it’s also the guys who are jumping in too quickly (out of fear or lust) where these things come up too (and yes, I realize, this is not representative of all the hem hawers out there… there are examples of seriously slow-moving, well-meaning guys).
I realized the majority of hem and haw guys (which is congruent to my own experience)- the ones you have the ‘marriage talk’ with over and over and over again- are actually trying to convince themselves as hard as you’re trying to convince them to get married. They know you are amazing and they may never do better… but still… they hesitate… and something keeps them from acting on it.
I get that this does not apply to all guys and all situations. SO I can’t tell you this is fail-proof. But, what I can tell you, is that keeping in mind that dudes are simple has made my life so EASY now. I can date, meet people, what have you- and have no expectation. Zero.
I can truly sit back and enjoy whoever is in front of me with ease, because I know if that guy in front of me really really wants to be with me- or really thinks I am his one… he will do something about it. I don’t actually need to do anything, other than be myself and genuinely enjoy his company. I may like him or love him, but until he DOES SOMETHING (for me it’s get engaged/married, for others it may be just committing to a monogamous relationship, living together, whatever)… he’s not my ONE.
So wait, are you saying, Love Life and Yoga, that the guy should, gulp, actually court me? Yes reader, that is exactly what I am saying. Let him win you over like in the old days. Seemed to work for our grannies.
And future soulmate, if you’re out there? If you think you’re my one, you are going to have to convince me. I need to be wooed. I may like/love you but I’m not your girl until you step up and show me why I am your girl- woo me and convince me I’m your one. That’s when I’ll know I’ve found you.
In the meantime- I don’t have to worry, I can just enjoy my life and the people and adventures that come to me.
It truly is the greatest feeling to just release and not feel the pressure of ‘is he or isn’t he?’ He’s gonna know if he is or not, and he will for sure SHOW you (not tell you) if he’s the one for you. Only until then, will you get the opportunity to decide if he’s the one for you.
“If you are looking for the love of your life, stop. They will be waiting for you when you start doing the things that you love.” -Unknown
Yeah, I’ll just be over that way, doing the things I love. See ya there, dude.