Ah, my favorite ‘friend’ line.
If you’ve uttered these words from your lips- pay attention, this post is for you.
I have a declaration to make.
I’M OKAY GETTING HURT.
Did y’all hear me?
I’m okay getting hurt.
I think hurt, disappointment, failure… words that are generally perceived as negative- are all part of life’s experience. If I don’t put myself out there 100% for something I believe in – and get rejected for it, in trouble for it, whatever… let me. I want to push boundaries. I want to live life to the edges- in my ways. I can handle the hurt. I can survive the hurt. And if I put in my all- the hurt was worth it. Because the hurt probably opened up a new place for me- in the world, through new friends, through myself. Lessons, perspective, understanding. Of myself, my life, others. The hurt is fine. I will be ok. There is nothing mentally that will render me useless. There is no person that can shatter my heart so completely that I can never function again.
And now that we understand where I’m coming from, I want to understand where you are coming from.
“I don’t want to see you get hurt,” you say to me. Why do you say this?
You lived through a similar experience.
Maybe your ex was a lyin’ cheatin’ son of a gun, and his behavior is eerily reminiscent. That’s cool if you want to chat about it- at another time. If your friend is opening up to you about behavior she is worried about, don’t start diving into your own history. Listen. Ultimately if she goes on to marry this guy, it’s not gonna be a fun wedding if you compared him to your ex-snake. Btw, “I told you so” helps no one but your own ego. Keep that in mind.
You don’t want to deal with her shiz when she does get hurt.
This is just purely selfish and I think there’s actually a large percentage of you out there that say this phrase for this reason- you don’t want to deal with it. You signed up for rainbows and butterfly friendships- not support and comfort. Maybe you should reconsider what type of friendship you have with this person, and either downgrade it, leave it, or actually step up and nurture it.
You can see the writing on the wall and want to warn her- because you would want the same.
Maybe you wish someone has warned you and told you about the effects of pot. Or dating a gambler. Or whatever. How about just keeping your damn opinion to yourself and just be supportive. That pot-smoking gambler may be the biggest philanthropist and most darling kid ever. You never know.
You really don’t want to see her get hurt- because you aren’t happy seeing her hurt.
No one really likes seeing another person in pain. Avoiding pain and sheltering them from it- honestly doesn’t really do them any favors. It keeps them from developing into adult humans that can manage their own individual emotions.
I don’t want to just complain here- I want to give you alternatives. The reason is simple- some of us are meant to learn life lessons; lessons that your warnings and lectures can’t teach us. Won’t resonate. People come into our lives for various reasons. Some hurt us – intentionally or unintentionally. You, as a friend, are not supposed to be one of those causing or perpetuating the hurt. And while it may be hard to standby- sometimes those lessons are for us to learn. On our own. You are meant to take a supportive role- not a leadership one.
So here are some alternatives when you want to say, “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
“Listen to your gut/heart.”
So simple. So true. Let her decide her life- not you.
“Let me know if you ever need anything.”
If you can’t thing of anything nice to say- if you want to tell her- ‘what are you doing! you are so going to get hurt!” say this instead. It’ll button you up and give her exactly what she needs.
“If it works out, I will be so happy for you! If it doesn’t, just know I’ll be here for you if you need it.”
The ultimate friend comment. All anyone could ever want- someone who’s there for her – no matter what. No matter what dumb choices you make, what you do to ruffle feathers- to know that your friend is there for you is the most important and greatest feeling of all.
I’ve been getting, “I just don’t want to see you get hurt,” a lot over the course of my life. And I have been hurt. Oh yes. But every single time- I overcame it. Better than I was before. Why wouldn’t I want a better version of myself to emerge? Why would I avoid that?
I think because I’m in my mid-thirties now, I’m confident in who I am and my emotional spectrum and am one-hundred percent okay with the idea of making choices, being hurt and growing from it. I would take that any day over a sheltered, desensitized life. Think twice before you say this phrase- you may actually be limiting a person’s life experience and causing more harm than good!