I was thinking about breakups recently.
About the breakups I’ve had in my thirties versus the breakups I’ve had in my twenties.
I think the one blaring difference? Maturity. My maturity. And my choices.
I dated people in my twenties that I gave my life up to. That I put on a pedestal, who left me awestruck.
As I got into my thirties, that type of person evolved into more of a person I actually liked. I know that sounds weird that I would date people I didn’t like, but I kind of did. When I dated these people, I was competitive. I was jealous. I was possessive. I was worried about what they were doing all the time, and why weren’t they with me? And what could I do to make myself even more amazing so they’d want to hang out with me more?
I think a lot of that has to do with self-esteem, and self-respect… I wrote a post about this Monday- setting boundaries for yourself. I didn’t have boundaries- I just wanted the perfect image. I wanted to ‘show’ everyone that I had a hot, super smart boyfriend. I wasn’t in the relationship for me- or them- I was in it to appear so amazing.
Those breakups were always the worst. I touched on this in my letter to my 25-year-old-self blog post. We would scream at each other. Try and hurt each other. Call each other and say terrible things because we were so hurt, dejected, rejected. Angry. A lot of anger. A lot of hoping we both lived miserable lives. And “look at me, I’m hotter than ever and you can’t have me!” Or, “look at me, I’ve moved on with someone way better than you.” Comparisons. One-upping. “How can I hurt you more before you hurt me?” or “Look at me, I WIN.”
Sound awesome? Ha ha. Sounds terrible to me. And I can’t believe I did that. I’m embarrassed I behaved that way. That I held on to some dude so tightly, that I would completely freak out when we parted ways.
I can say with supreme confidence, times have changed. Maturation has entered the building.
The last couple of breakups were amicable. There was some emotion, but everything was a conversation. An open, honest discussion. Respect. Love. Part of it is because I truly cared for the person. As a person. I really do want them happy – it’s not just a cliché. I really did. Do. And if it’s not me, it’s not me. I get it. I’m also choosing to date people that are honest-to-goodness good people. Good-hearted people. Kind, loving. Where there really is nothing wrong with them- at all- other than they weren’t a good fit. Or i wasn’t a good fit.
When you are able to step back, and look at a person with complete and utter love and respect, knowing that you need to go separate ways, the entire experience is more pleasant. You aren’t panicking. You feel closure, you feel respected, they feel respected, and there is potential for future friendship. it definitely helps when both people are this way- and that begins with the choosing… life is so short to spend it with underdeveloped people. Invite those into your life that will add to your life, and you theirs- not take away. Should you ever part ways, you will both be of mind- and heart- to do it the right way.
See, there are some perks to getting older 🙂