My friend, Michy, posted a link to an article on Glo/MSN called, Are Your Pals Sabotaging You? Beware of Misleading Dating Advice by Christan Marashio. Michy and a FB friend commented something along the lines of the article being spot on. Now, I truly do love Michy, I am not wanting to throw her under the bus at all- so don’t think I’m getting on my pal’s case on this. Instead, I am going to refute most of these article’s claims via the author, Christan Marashio.
Now granted, Christan is a bona fide writer, whereas, I am not- I’m just a little ol’ hobbyist… but I’ll tell you what, I am a happy single gal, and I have a sneaking suspicion Ms. Marashio makes most of her moola off of doling ‘advice’ to unhappy single gals.
Before I get into breaking down why her article just doesn’t work for a confident, happy single, gal like me… I wanted to get a bit more into Ms. Marashio’s background (and btw, I realize doing this gets her more exposure, but I’m fine with that) to understand her better.
Reading through the entire interview, I kept telling myself, “well, sure, if you lived in 1995,” or “yep, if you have a self-esteem the size of a pin tack, I get it,” or, “wow, you have some wonky ideas about age.” Girlfriend has some outdated advice for the Debbie Downers out there. And while I’m sure she is an awesome chick, a decent writer, and probably super smart… she’s sending out the wrong message to the masses.
Here’s my breakdown of Ms. Marashio’s article, 2012-style (and by the way, I’m close to the same age as Ms. M). I’m re-writing it (and throwing in my own pics) based on her outline- from a confident girl’s perspective. If you want to refer to the original article, you can find that here.
Are Your Pals Helping You?
How to Make the Most of Dating Advice from Friends
Friends love offering dating advice. Guy friends and girl friends. Solicited and unsolicited. It takes a single girl who knows herself well to know what advice to weed out and what advice to take. If you know yourself, you know what’s going to work and when you should just smile and nod.
So, here is some free (and I mean truly free advice, I don’t run a dating business), take it or leave it.
I’m going to help you decipher five common advice statements that Ms. Marashio wanted to debunk- and I’m re-bunking them for you here. xo
1. “You look great!”
I went to book club the other night, as I do every six weeks or so. This time around, the gals were so complimentary. My outfit, my skin, everything. I knew they were genuine about it because usually I show up to bookclub in a sweater, jeans and no makeup. That night was different, I was going to go on a date afterward, and purposely got cuted up. They took notice. I even told them I wanted to have a date after every book club because I loved hearing their compliments!
I know when I look good, and how to make that happen. They do too- and even if they hadn’t said anything? Well, as I said, I know when I look good. And you should too. If you don’t- experiment! Get a stylist, try out different looks, exercise, eat well, go to yoga!- whatever makes you feel good. If you feel good, you’re gonna look good (wait, is that a Men’s Warehouse ad?).
2. “You can do better.”
My girlfriends who know me, I mean really know me- know when I’m with a dud. They don’t tell me right away, because most trust that I will figure it out myself fairly quickly. Back when I wasn’t as confident, I would just stay with a hot guy because they were hot and paying attention to me. Now I know my sense of self and what kind of guy it’s going to make for a positive relationship experience.
When I break it off with someone, which has been more the case in the last three or so years, it is because I know I can do better- for me. Not better on the ‘life’ scale or ‘money’ scale or ‘hotness’ scale- for the ME scale. Those things/connections that are going to make me happy. And I want him to be happy as well. The guy I walk away from? Yeah, he could probably do better – for him too. I may be the hottest chick he’s ever dated, but that may not mean I am best for him either.
3. “Men are intimidated by you.”
I think it is hilarious that people think this is a made-up statement. Guys have told me this- not just my girlfriends. Guys who are my friends. Guys who I’ve dated. Guys who I’ve had relationships with have said this to me. I am intimidating. I get it. I have my sh%^ together. I don’t think I need to change that. I love every piece of that about me. I think that it is going to take a very confident guy to be ok with that. And how often do you meet very confident guys? Yeah, not as often. That I am willing to wait for. I don’t need an insecure man-girl to date me, I need a confident dude who will embrace the package I am and love it all. Cool? If you are intimidated, get over it, or move on.
4. “You should ask him out.”
So this is the only one I agree with Ms. M on- in regards to myself, personally. I do believe the man should do the asking. Part of it is me being old-fashioned, but really, it comes more from experience. I did the asking out for many years and it got me the guy I wanted. However, it also got me a guy who was insecure and became more of the ‘feminine’ energy. I became the masculine one because I chased. I made the first move.
Now, that being said, you as a girl, may like being the pants in the family- and if that is the case, by all means do the asking. I just know that I am not happy in this position- I prefer to be the girl. So I stopped asking guys out. I give them enough interest to do it themselves, and if they don’t- I already know I don’t want to be with them anyway.
5. “Never settle.”
I’m glad my girlfriends know me well enough to say this to me because they know how truly unique I am and that I would never need to settle. Ok, here’s my confident- almost cocky side- coming out at this point. I don’t need to settle. I don’t. I go on dates all the time. Dudes just find me. They tell me that they want to get married after the third date. Hot, amazing, intelligent, handsome dudes. But the chemistry, connection, if he can make me laugh, feeling like a total girl- those things are built in me. They are too important to give up. And many times those things aren’t there.
I’d rather be single until I die than be with someone I settled for. But that is me. My happiness and my future partner’s happiness are the most important to me when it comes to a relationship. I will never settle- sorry Ms. M.
There you have it. Some of you who know me may say, “well, that’s because you are small and pretty… blah blah”. No it’s not. EVERY GIRL is pretty in their own way. I don’t care who you are. If you want love, you have to own it. And it will find you. I’m serious about this. Everyone has their someone. And until you know yourself and just be your damn self, that dude will not find you.
So, back to the article. You may agree with her, you may agree with me. That’s what’s great about life. We’re all individuals based on our own opinions. I just wanted to put out there that Ms. Marashio’s idea of being a single person and who/how you should/n’t listen to your friends isn’t the only advice out there!