The luck o’the Irish will be upon us this weekend… and while I am sure you all would love it if I wrote about my debaucheries of skipping work and going to Tier Na Nog or Fado in Seattle at 9am, that whole drink-til-you-pass-out-thing doesn’t quite jibe with this blog.
So then I thought, well, eco-friendly and sustainable farming, recycling, saving energy and the like are all technically ‘green’, right? Yes, that would more in line with the vibe of this blog. But who wants to read about that going in to the weekend. Good stuff, but I need to do a bunch of research, and I’m feeling a bit lazy now.
So instead, I shall talk about another shade of green… envy. Jealousy.
Gorgeous Jealousy. She and I used to be frenemies. She was always around. I never liked her, but for whatever reason we stayed friends. She treated me like crap and I let her get in my head all the time. She and I were connected at the hip- for a long time. Then one day, we outgrew each other, and went our separate ways.
I was thinking about this on my walk today. Why did I let jealousy overcome me so often when I was younger? Why did I feel so helpless with some of these relationships I was in? Feel like I had to know everything about their lives? What brought her on and provoked me? I looked for the patterns, the commonalities among the relationships where jealousy had a starring role. Of course, the most obvious: me. I was a common theme in all these relationships. So about me.
I think being uncertain of who you are is pretty much a guarantee to invite jealousy into your life. I did not feel comfortable in my own skin for a long time. I remember being jealous of a girl in my spin class because I overheard she was a fashion designer. Why couldn’t I do something cool like that?
I remember going out with one of my exes to see a DJ. There were these drop-dead gorgeous young Asian chicks in the bathroom. I remember thinking, well, I’m half Asian which is awesome and a lot of these girls undergo nose bridge surgery and eyelid lifts to look like me … and then realizing, no, they looked fully gorgeous and happy being full Asian. And at that moment I was envious that I wasn’t full Asian (yes, this is all true! I am being very honest about this right now!).
Well, I eventually did go and get certified as a Fashion Designer at Otis over a three-year period, and realized it was not for me. Even though it was fun, and an accomplishment, I could finally feel like I wasn’t missing out on that avenue. I also learned that my look is mine and I love it- there was no reason to be jealous of those other girls- I just needed to be appreciative of their beauty and being among it. But these things took time, and maturity.
Maturity truly is an effect of time and experience. If you have the exposure and experience, maturity will come faster- if you don’t, you’ll have to rely on time to gain that insight. I’m a time person. I had a pretty sheltered life and was naïve about a lot of things for a long time. I didn’t know enough about myself or how I ticked, because I wasn’t in enough opportunities to test it out and fine tune it. Now that I have, maturity has garnered wisdom, a foundation and confidence that keeps me grounded and unfettered.
Jealousy very rarely, if ever, makes an appearance now. I like to equate jealousy to maturity and confidence- neither of which I had in my twenties. Once I had the confidence piece- which comes through time and maturity- jealousy pretty much disappeared.
Over time, I have learned that while I take full responsibility for allowing jealous behavior to seep into my psyche, there are definitely opportunities (that are avoidable) that provoke envy and fear. I’ve learned to identify the trigger and how to deal with them.
There is a certain type of dude that provokes jealousy and insecurity within me: an insecure boy.
I didn’t used to recognize an insecure dude because they all come across as ‘very to extremely’ confident individuals- which initially, can be very alluring. But now I know better. I’ve been with too many (unfortunately, it took me awhile to learn my lesson- there’s that time and maturity thing again), and can pick one out in a line up much better now.
So, if I’m the bomb, why engage with a match? It’s only gonna explode. So I’ve cut them out. No more insecure dudes. They do nothing for me, I can’t help them, they can’t help me.
I’ve found once I cut these gents out, I’ve had little to no issues. And my gut is a lot quieter these days. No more whispering and engaging Ms. Jealousy.
With Other Ladies:
Ladies are always going to be slimmer, younger, prettier, smarter, bubblier… blah blah blah.
Here’s the thing- when you’re a single girl out there- you are in competition with no one.
Seriously. I am not every guy’s cup of tea. And neither are you, ladies. Dudes are gonna like what they’re gonna like. And if you are the right one, you could be with Heidi Klum – and while he might look at her for a second (I mean, I would!!)- he may find you more engaging. You are your own person. Be that person. Live that person. Love that person.
I remember being kinda jealous of Victoria’s Secret models. Then they started doing the live fashion show and interviewing them in between. I’m sure those ladies are sweet and all, but man, none of them have the wit I have. None. Some of their personalities were barely existent. Some were cute and fun, but that was all. Everyone’s got their something.
If someone has better_____ than you, just know, that is from your perception- not everyone else’s. That thing you have that no one else has? It is awesome. Whatever it is. And the people who matter- including yourself- well, you’re gonna recognize it and shine it brightly. We are all awesome in our different ways.
I’m just thankful for my life. I don’t need ‘stuff’ anymore (time and maturity). Everything comes with a price and I like what I have so far. Pretty good gig. Anything else that comes my way – is the cherry on top. No need to want the stuff that everyone else has – everyone else ain’t me.
The only green in your life should be plants, emeralds, Priuses, oh, and beer. Go out there and get some this weekend!
2 thoughts on “The Color Green”
I think I read a quote somewhere once and it reminds me of your thoughts on jealousy and insecurity. I don’t remember it exactly, but it was something to the likes of, “Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else’s finished production.” Thank you for sharing so openly 🙂
ooh I like it… thanks!