For years and years, I could have sworn I was a size seven-and-a-half. 7 1/2. Right? 7 1/2. Tra La La La seven-and-a-half.
And I would buy shoes, and wear them- and many pairs were fine. Cute, even. Some were annoying though. Pinched, rubbed, were too big or too loose. Blisters would form. Some fit ok, but I think, in hindsight, some just ran small or large.
But I kept buying 7 1/2. Because I truly thought that was my size.
One day, I was trying on shoes at Nordstrom, and the guy said, “I think you may be a seven.” Huh? Did my foot shrink?
I thought maybe they ran large, but he brought out the big guns- the measuring dealio. Then came the sized seven pumps- and voila! They fit like a glove. Or I guess, er, a shoe. But now I wasn’t sure I liked those particular pumps. So I searched a bit more and found the right heel, the right color, size and fit. I was a seven!!
Yeah, I pretty much just explained my life of dating to you.
I have lived in LA for ten years this April. Ten years! That’s one-third of my life.
During these ten years in L.A., I’ve been single (i.e., unmarried). I have had boyfriends, I’ve dated… a lot. I would say most of my twenties consisted of one boyfriend after the next… trying on the shoes til they fit. And none of them ever did. In my thirties, it’s been more just dating, with a couple boyfriends sprinkled throughout. And I know… I mean, ultimately, I am the common denominator for all of them, right? Hmm. Maybe the shoes were all the right sizes, but it was my foot that was the problem?
I know that when I was dating and having boyfriends… I was chasing something… them, a dream, an ideal. I had this idea of what would make sense for me. The only problem with that was… I didn’t know who me was. Not a clue. It was like I thought I knew my size… but really didn’t. I thought I knew who me was… because I did everything I was supposed to. I found a place to live. I was independent of my parents. I had income. I had friends. I did everything exactly right. But I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why I worked where I worked or lived where I did or dated who I dated. They all just fell into place. Unconsciously.
So now it’s clear. I know my size. I’m here, thirty-five and so aware… of myself, of those things and people in my life, of my surroundings – and I don’t miss any of my naivety or ignorance. I know what makes me the best human I can be. I know what experiences and people I want in my life -who and what I want around me. And guess what- it is amazing to be in this place.
My friend, jmia, the other day said that I “would make a great relationship coach”. Ha ha. I told her I’m really good with attracting and ending it with the wrong guys- I’m not so good with finding and keeping the right ones. But I’m realizing, it was simply because I just had never met the right kind of ones. It was like the shoes… I found amazing shoes based on a 7 1/2, but now I know, what I really needed was a 7.
My goal is to find a shoe that not only fits, but makes me look fantastic and I can showcase them in return. And they don’t hurt, they don’t pinch, they feel amazing and make me feel amazing. The guys I’ve been dating recently have shown me the feeling I want to have with someone. The types of personalities and qualities that will mesh with me and my life and theirs. They make it easier for me to recognize the right kind of guy for me; and makes it easier to identify and cut off the wrong dudes quickly- after one or two dates. I know myself better than ever before, and all of the haze… is clearer.
I know my shoe size now.
I know I have posted several times about gratitude (you can type in gratitude in search and there will be several posts that pop up), but I just want to take a moment to thank these guys that I’ve dated recently. I’m not going to name names (as this blog is all about anonymity so the message is clear), but I have to say I have been super impressed with some dudes as of late. Maybe it’s because they are older, or just wiser; a maturity thing, or maybe they are just really amazing guys? I have had the best experiences lately… where I feel like such a girl, a special, thankful girl. I have thanked each of them in person… just for doing the extra things that I swear 98% of the general population of L.A. dudes (at least the ones I’ve dated) have never figured out. Most importantly, they’ve showed me what it’s like to have the right size shoe on.
Travel, alone time, and yoga have all contributed to my clarity in self. Oh, and getting my feet measured at Nordy’s.
You really should do that… makes a world of difference!