Real Me

I saw a couple walking down the street this morning as I was walking my pooch. They looked very cute, maybe a few months into a relationship- was my guess. He is a software engineer, and she works at a boutique in downtown Manhattan Beach. They just grabbed coffee and now he is taking her home after their very successful date night.

Ok, so I made all that up. Except for the part about the couple walking down the street. I love concocting stories about people I don’t know. I think, “what’s their deal? How do I set the stage for this guy/gal/family/couple?” My favorite place to do this is at the airport because you can actually hear people’s conversations, see body language, a twitch of an eye, the flicker of annoyance in the voice- all up close- and deduce ‘their story.’

But today, it was just this sweet little couple. And I was overcome -for only a breath or two- by some emotion. Not because they were so touching, but because I realized it has been YEARS since I last had a true, bona-fide, I LOVE YOU boyfriend. Years.

Let’s just make sure we’re clear for a sec here- I love my single life. I love living alone. I love my freedom. Don’t get me wrong. Dating (not overdoing it) is so much fun. It really is like a candy store. But what shook me wasn’t being alone and single. What shook me is that I cannot remember what it’s like to be in a real loving, couple-y relationship anymore. Like I really can’t.

I’m reading a book for book club called, Gone Girl: A Novel, by Gillian Flynn. It’s been a great read- kind of an f’ed up book, honestly- I would write a review, but I don’t want to reveal too much about it.  The main female character ‘explains’ how she ‘acted’ like the Cool Girl, because that’s what guys like. And I know that was me, for sure. I easily found boyfriends in the past because I did that too- I was perfect me. Not me me. I didn’t even know who me me was. Perfect me could attract the most interesting and successful guys. And those were my longest lasting relationships- oddly enough.

Real me, or just, me as I now call it- I love. I am comfortable with. I am ok that not everyone is fan- I’d rather not please everyone in exchange for being authentic. This authentic me though, is pretty damn confident. And it will take an even more confident guy to be with me- and love it. It will, I know this. And no one, in the last few years has been up for the task.

So maybe it’s not so much I’ve forgotten, but now it is me that is out there, dating people who are meeting the real me now. And I suppose I should be thankful that I haven’t gone back to my Perfect me ways just for the sake of having someone. Another disingenuous relationship. I’m proud in a way of that. Of sticking to my guns and being true to myself. Really listening to my gut and staying with it- and ending things that just aren’t right.

I’m not worried about getting into a relationship at some point. I know in my soul it will happen. I also know it will take a very unique and confident dude to want to have a relationship with me, adore it, and help me ‘remember’ how to be a girlfriend. I know this guy won’t be a dime a dozen, because the real me isn’t either.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

How real are you in your relationship? Your dating life? I think you attract the people from the energy you put out there- you want someone to love you for your real self? Then you’d better start being your real self!

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