Mastering the Eye-F

I don’t typically like using the f-bomb, but when I went out with the Professor tonight, she told me this was on the agenda.

The Professor is one of my super smart, super sexy lady friends. And she knows what she is doing. So when she suggested we meet up downtown and start our night at Sugarfish and end it at Seven Grand Whiskey Bar- I had no idea what I was in for. Now, keep in mind, the Professor is happily married, and has no interest in Eye-f’ing people for herself, she was trying to coach dear old me on the art of the Eye-F.

Ok, first, my review of Seven Grand.

We enter on 7th Street, downtown LA. The first thing you will notice heading up the stairs, is that the stairs are covered in plaid carpet. Yes, plaid. As you walk up the staircase, you will catch the wallpaper out of the corner of your eye- it has dudes riding horses on it. As you round the corner, you will see the back of a dummy, in a red cardigan with leather elbow patches, and he’s presumably duck hunting in a fake Macy’s-window gone awry.

Continue through, and you land in a hunting lodge in LA. The place is covered in moose and deer heads. Dimly lit pool tables greet you as you walk past the wall of Maker’s Mark. The bar is stocked, to the gills, with Scotch, Whiskey, Bourbon…

The Professor thinks this is a good place to practice my femininity- in a fake-mountain lodge. The only problem is that the men who frequent a fake mountain lodge in LA are still LA dudes. Which means I highly doubt any one of them have ever actually hunted Bambi. In fact, every single person (male) I met there went to USC at some point in their lives. I take that back, I met one UW Husky and one Cal Bear. But before I get into that… the drinks.

Oh heaven. They made the best Irish Vandal EVER. Freshly muddled raspberry delight. It was the girliest thing I could find in the place and I darn well ordered it.

I mean, redonk flavor. And kind of healthy- antioxidant rich raspberries, right?

Anyway, back to the Eye-f’ing.

So the Professor tells me I need to practice. Here are the steps to Eye Fs:

1. Find dude.

2. Make eye contact, count to 3 in head

3. Maybe smile a little, but then look away/down.

Sounds easy, right? Yeah, not so much for me. I am a powerhouse in life – super blunt, can walk up to any one, in sales, and I can’t do this. I mean, I can, but I think I need to do more core work in yoga. Anyway, without actually come-hithering anyone, I did give my info to three lads. All younger than I, of course. Where are all the hot 42 year olds? Where are they!? That is with whom I need to practice this Eye magic. I guess I’d better keep practicing.