ThirtySix

Last week I turned 36.

36.

Last year (obviously), I turned 35. And I ran away from it. I ran as far as I could go, somewhere where I would know no one. I went to Thailand. On my own. And it ended up being a magical place. It ended up being one of my all-time favorite birthday experiences and travel memories. As a result of that trip, I found myself in Australia and Italy. As a result of my trip to Australia, I found myself in Argentina. That one choice to escape my 35th birthday eventually led me down a Choose Your Own Adventure path I never saw coming.

And now I am here. I have nearly zero vacation days left for 2013 as I have used them all for my travels. And my travels have added memories and friends for a lifetime, as I know. But I also know I cannot- and should not- escape any longer. I am 36.

I am 36 and I have no husband. I have no kids. I have no home that I own, I have nothing that is really mine – other than those memories. And as I get older, and as each birthday comes, I continue to search internally for what that means.

Lately, a pattern of events have happened that have gotten me to this place. My multiple trips in a short period. My trip to Italy. Chakra training. Certain people I have met and spoken with. I spent time with my old childhood friend and observed a lot of his own behavior that drove me nuts about him- were actually things I loathed about myself. Escaping reality, hiding behind stories, inflation. And of course… my birthday itself.

My friends took me out for my birthday earlier in the week. A Sunday Funday. And while I don’t like to admit this, I’m going to, because I need a change to happen. We had a day of drinks… sounds typical. And it was a lot of fun. But at the end of the night, the person who walked me home was someone I had only met a couple of hours earlier. And he would later recount to me, that in my daze I told him that I was lonely. In life. That I was all alone, that I was (perhaps) I was meant to be on a solo path for the remainder of my life.

Everything is ok, fine. The guy is a nice guy. I went out with him a couple of days later- which is when he told me this- so I don’t want you to fret. But that in of itself- that at the end of my own celebration, I was alone on my birthday night- was a blaring indication of what 36 meant up to that point: Lonely.

And at first, I tried to shake it off. But I spoke the truth to him. There was no filter. No ego. No gate. I really believe I am alone. And this absolutely bothers me. I’ve thought about it non-stop since he told me I said that.

Again. Saying this out loud to some people I know and some total strangers is hard for me. And admitting that I drank to the point of telling someone this- someone who was pretty much a stranger and allowing him to take me home- at age (nearly) 36- is also hard for me to say out loud. And it is embarrassing… but also completely eye-opening. This was my most vulnerable speaking to someone I didn’t even know because it was -and is- the truth. And I want to speak truth. By speaking truth, I believe change will come.

I am sure many of you find this surprising. I am a cute, fun girl. I have my sh%^ together, for the most part. I have a job, friends, and amazing travel adventures. But maybe most of you, don’t. And you probably have thought I have chosen- by choice – to live the free and single life. Well, you are right, I have chosen it… but not by conscious effort.

Now before you think it sounds like I’m about to jump off a bridge… I’m not. Because you see, I created this for myself. And it is all coming to light now- on my birthday- as I am turning 36. I don’t regret a thing, I just know that I needed to get to this place- this place at age 36- to understand why and how it is I have manifested this life for myself…. and begin to create the turning point.

I also need to stop the internal thoughts… technically, I am not lonely. I have wonderful friends and family and two loveable fuzzballs. I have all the resources I need to live a non-lonely life… I just don’t engage them the way I should. In fact, I’ve been blocking them all out for the majority of my life. Leaving a nice safety space between them all.

Maybe this is me just getting a year older. And there is some stuff that needs to be done. Internally. Externally. There are some repairs that need to be made and fixing to be done. If I want to be the best 36 I can be, I have to be open and truthful about who and what I am and where I want to be.

I don’t mean this post to sound like an outloud therapy session. I know I have a lot of people read this and maybe some of you resonate with this, or know a sister or someone like me and don’t know what to do about it. “Oh, she’s gorgeous and smart- she’s probably never alone.”  I would check in on that person, because they may need you more than they know- or know how to communicate.

I’m 36. I want to build a life with someone. I want to be close to my friends and family. And I want to get myself out of the way for it.

Happy (New) Birthday to me 🙂

birthday-cakes-wallpapers

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2 thoughts on “ThirtySix

  1. Being lonely and learning to be okay with a lone path is a gateway to lots of fun personal growth. You’re an amazing woman studying chakras, practicing yoga and finding that quiet place within you. I believe, based on my own experience, that learning to be okay with being alone and accepting it as a path in life actually opens up doors of opportunity in life. A shift happens internally that is just straight out bad ass. You’re where you’re supposed to be, and it’s all a part of the beautiful you that is getting better and better. It’s going to be inspirational and cool to see your upcoming blogs. 36? Ha. Women these days are having families and gaining husbands later in life. You’re standing on the edge of a cliff with wind in your hair. The Jessica I’ve come to know is gonna leap off that cliff and ride that wind!

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