Dearest Oregon Duck Fan,
I’m writing to you today because I want to help you.
I do. I’m all about spiritual calm, love and happiness.
I know you probably don’t think you need my help- but you do.
See, I don’t think you are aware as to why the majority of all other college football fans in America despise you.
I know you think it is because everyone is jealous of your sparkling record and dominating football team… but I am here to give you some tough love- that’s not why we don’t like you.
The truth of the matter? No one has any respect for you. Listen closely. I’m not saying no one has respect for the football team… we do. What I am saying is this:
No one has any respect for YOU, THE FAN.
Yep, you and Rodney Dangerfield live in a nice cozy bungalow together on the mighty Willamette River.
This is probably new news to you. But that is why I am here. To break it down for you. And hopefully, by reading this letter, you’ll have gleaned and absorbed what advice I’ve offered, taken note, and fully gained the respect that you should have and that your football team does deserve.
You ready to listen up?
Let’s face the facts here. I’m gonna tell it to you straight. You are awful fans. And it’s not just the Pacific Northwest or Pac-12 who think you are the spawn of the devil. Nationally, Oregon was ranked in the top five worst fans in college football. Or I should say, rudest fan bases in the nation. Here, you can check it out for yourself:
And here’s another one that put you at #4:
Yes, I said NATIONAL ranking. Out of 124 NCAA-Division 1A football teams (and fanbases). These aren’t my numbers, these are theirs. Or check out this amazing article regarding Duck Fans by Phil Caldwell.
Sports Illustrated also conducted a poll in 2009 (back then it was Pac 10) that also shows Oregon as the rudest fan base AND the least polite- within the Pac-10.
I mean…. what can I say… even if you don’t believe me, well, you have been nationally recognized as belonging to the worst of the worst. The first step in healing is getting over denial… just admit it, you’re awful, and we can move forward.
Now onto the good news. Your team is amazing. You have a great team. The numbers, the games show it.
The offense has been described in almost every article out there as “speedy.” Dem Ducks got wheels. This is in thanks to the Chipper’s spread offense, Mariota (only a freshman!), and running backs Kenjon Barner and De’Anthony Thomas.
In fact, twenty of Oregon’s thirty-three touchdown drives this season took less than two minutes, and eleven took less than one. Oregon is the nation’s fourth-ranked team in scoring average at 52.4 points, sixth in rushing average with 303 yards, and seventh in total offense with 550.6 yards a game (NBC.com).
As a bonus, all the good press is finally educating most of America on how to say the word ‘Oregon’ correctly. Isn’t that sad when your own country can’t even pronounce your name? This can only be a good thing for you.
So there you go. Your team’s got talent. Congratulations. That still doesn’t make you the bomb diggity. Here’s why.
THE LEGEND, THE PRESTIGE, THE CLOUT
Your team is good right now. That is something to be proud of. But guess what- your team has only been good for five years. Five years. Think of all five year-olds that you know. They are tiny. Five. You have limited ranking history other than those five years. And while it is very exciting, you are just entering kindergarten.
Do you see what I’m saying here?
You are wanting the respect and clout and voice of a team that has a long-storied history. And you just don’t have it. You have the school history (your school was founded in 1876), but not the wins. Your current All-Time Record is 592-470-46 (0.555). Not bad. But guess what- everyone else in the Pac-12 (except WSU and OSU) has fared better:
Even Colorado and Utah have you beat. Ouch. You need to earn your place among legends. Not off of five years. It would also help if you could win a National Championship. Then we might take you seriously.
Yeah, so about that:
PAC-12 TEAMS WITH NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TITLES
Southern California – 11
California – 5
Washington – 2
Stanford – 1
UCLA – 1
Colorado – 1
Oregon State – 0
Washington State – 0
Arizona – 0
Arizona State – 0
Utah – 0
OREGON – DUCK EGG (0)
The good news is that you can/will gain some respect over time if you keep this up. But all this disgusting fan behavior… the obnoxiousness of a USC fan isn’t yours for the taking. USC earned that right to be obnoxious- you didn’t. So you have no reason to be the a$$hole fan yet. Get it? You need to earn it.
Five years and no national win are keeping you out of this exclusive club of smug arrogance. All you need to do is win a National Championship or two and get yourself up the Pac-12 All-Time ladder. Then we’ll allow your behavior.
THE CORPORATE GREED
People are wary of anyone who gets free handouts. People are also wary of big corporate greed. Enter Nike, and you have both. Now, this isn’t really your fault. I mean, you can’t help the uniform and locker room situation.
Money rules the world and it’s no different in Track Town USA. Corporate excess in a time of a recession is just unattractive all around. Flaunting corporate excess in a time of recession? Even worse. So… not much you can do there. Just know it doesn’t help your cred factor.
Your original mascot was “The Webfoots”. I agree that Duck is a much better choice. Cute, even.
Now, I know you all love to say that your mascot is Donald Duck. I mean, why not start the children young? It worked for Joe Camel. Disney+babies are a winning combination. Oh wait, say what? Disney has since parted ways? But why?
“The move comes on the heels of the UO clamping down on the mascot’s behavior after the mascot late last year posed in a rap video produced by a trio of Duck football fans. In another high-profile episode, the Duck mascot in 2007 roughed up a rival mascot at a football game.” – Oregon Live
Oh man, happiest place on earth doesn’t even want to have anything to do with your Donald knock-off. And neither do we. We do however, love this guy.. bring him back, please:
What team who’s ever been good is without scandal? I mean, what is a USC Trojan team without a fleeing Pete Carroll? What’s a Miami team without 2 Live Crew?
Yeah, so you paid some people off. I mean, isn’t that how the big boys do it? The only thing is … you lost some respect points there. Cheaters are not hot. Trust me on this one.
So, now that we’ve established why you don’t have a Webbed foot to stand on… how can we remedy this?
HOW TO KEEP IT CLASSY
Don’t Resort to Childish Behavior
Stop throwing beer bottles at people’s heads. That’s just wrong. Or picking fights. No one enjoys that. No one.
Have Good Sportsmanship
Even your own school has a code of “Conduckt” because they are aware of your behavior. They did a four-month study to analyze this. As a result, you have a HOTLINE for bad behavior. A hotline, Duck Fans!!
Spectators will be encouraged to text the ConDUCKt hotline at 222-9121 to report any violations of stadium guidelines to event staff. The text line will be active 90 minutes prior to kickoff of each home football game and until approximately 30 following its conclusion.
Yes, this is from your OWN school.
Just be good sports fans. Be good winners, be good losers. Stanford is the perfect example of this, if you need a mentor.
People are over “Huck the Fuskies” and whatever other tired brilliance you’ve attempted to use the last five years. Yeah, it worked in 2006. It’s now 2012. Let’s move onto something a little more creative. I know you can come up with something… hell, you came up with this sick amazing Gangnam video (although why did you bleep out the word ‘sexy’? Does it not exist in your vocabulary?)… See, Ducks, I believe in you.
Be More Engaging
I know how much you just love to shut it down. Like if someone has a positive statement about ANY OTHER TEAM at all having a chance against you, you say something like, “Yeah, no.” Or “Nope, not going to happen.” And just shut ‘er down. No engaging back and forth, no nuthin. Ending communication with another person is the worst thing you could do. And remember, you have no clout, so it just looks and sounds silly and immature.
The rest of College-America fandom is usually up for a bit of fun-poking. You can’t seem to handle it. You dish it like no one’s business, but can’t take it when someone comes back at you- hence shutting it down. Learn to debate healthfully- it’s fun and gets your fellow collegiate fans engaged.
You know what is so ironic about it all? Your 2011 UO Debate Team took home the National Championship. And in the early 1900′s, the UO debate team hosted events to help fund the football program at Oregon. LEARN FROM THEM. They know how to debate and know how to win National Championships. Plus, we’ll respect you more for it. And isn’t that what we’re trying to accomplish here?
I don’t expect to win against you this weekend, but I’ll still be a good sport about it because I see the bigger picture for my team and the overall fun that college football should be. So hopefully you’ve learned some humility lessons here today, and when you’re ready, we’ll be waiting for you- whether you win a national championship or (most likely) not.
Here’s to hoping we can all be friends one day,
Miss Husky Fan