An Egg and a Few Six Packs

It’s here! The 440th season of the Bachelor/ette franchise.

Ok first- I understand, this is like a holistic vegan eating a steak. It’s unnatural for me to like trashy TV and love yoga, I get it. But I can’t help it. My brain is working even as I sleep and the only way to chill it out and put it on autopilot- is by watching the Bachelor/ette.

Here is my recap/notes/thoughts (yes, my brain cells managed to work a teensy bit during the show).

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of ABC’s the Bachelorette, it is a long, drawn-out, international-jet-setting, reality-style version of The Dating Game. But instead of only three bachelors, there are twenty-five, they actually see each other, and usually night one consists of an open bar and a 12-hour cocktail party.

My first observation was- where were all the drunkards? Everyone seemed a bit more subdued- I am guessing Ms. Em (our bachelorette) took the lead on that one, because for once in the history of reality TV, someone realizes that there is an actual camera recording your every move for all to see- including your past-fiance-inlaws-who-financially-support-you. Oh, and her six-year old daughter, who is featured quite a bit as well.

For once, the lead actually seems serious. I really believe she is in it for real… ABC doesn’t seem like they like to negotiate, but Em got her way with filming in her hometown of Charlotte, NC.

Let’s get crackin. First, the Man-tage. Better than usual, only three dudes went shirtless this time.

What were my first impressions?

Kalon, aka Helicopter Dude.  Awkward.  Perhaps bi? He seems way too comfortable in his own skin which leads me to believe he is in no way comfortable in his own skin. Blech.

Ryan– wowza. Hot hottie hot. And he has a SMILING dog that he runs with. The damn dog is smiling he’s so happy to be near his hotness. Let’s just see if he really is a good guy or putting on a front.


Tony – Pops from Portland. Obligatory shirtless shot, doing the single dad plug. He needs to step it back and not try so hard. Then, I’m sure he’s a good dude.

LeRone– YES! A man of color! Finally ! Ooh he lives in LA. – Plus, he has  a dog, okay wait, minus, the dog is a mini-dog. Just happy to see someone not white on this show. I think it’s been like four years.

Singer Dude. NYC. – Ok, I can’t deal with singer/songwriters – Yankees don’t ever date confederates dude- you’re too much for her, she’s a simple girl. Your’re a broody mess. Let’s just throw in singer dude from Austin in this category while we’re here- aka, Rock of Ages. Love the inadvertent movie plug.

Austin singer, Michael, courtesy http://www.wetpaint.com

Just sayin’

Charlie– aka Brain Damaged (for real) – Yes! Another dog guy! Big ol English bull dog. Seems nice, but too early to tell.

Jef- the Waterboarder. Rides a skateboard. And reminds me of Rick Astley. He’s so young. Dope. He’s the Jesse this season- just more accomplished.

Jef H

And Rick Astley. You be the judge.

Arie– I think all the pre-shows are saying Em and Arie are a perfect fit. He is handsie tho- very metro. Maybe slightly too metro. We’ll see. You gotta be kinda a dude to be racing around on tracks.

Randy– Ha ha haaaa a dude from the South Bay! Of course he has an old lady costume. Par for the course, here in the South Bay. I’m sure he had a flip cup table in the limo prior to jumping out.

WTFs– Wolf, Egg guy

Dougie– Seattle Single Dad, he KILLED it with the letter. He’s alright, but then I saw pics of him– and, oh fire. He is pretty cute.

Teach me how to Dougie. Courtesy www. realitysteve.com

Ok, now let’s find out their personalities. I feel like on the bachelorette these guys are all sweet as can be, then as they are rejected and end up on ‘The Bachelor Pad’ we see that they really are meathead alcoholics with tiny egos and big pecs.

I like that the cheese factor isn’t played up as much. I know these dudes put on a good front,  but I think the fact that Emily isn’t a spaz really helps. Emily seems to be clothed this season which is a nice change. Although her opening gown was a touch Toddlers and Tiaras.

That’s it for now- my recap next week is going to be a week late because I will be on vacay!

Who she kept:

CHRIS
DOUG– SEATTLE SINGLE DAD
HAWT RYAN
KALON – HELICOPTER DUDE
ARIE- RACER
CHARLIE– BRAIN DAMAGE
JEF– WATER SKATER
NATE– She Thinks is the CUTE Accountant
SEAN– BBBB – Body builder blond boy
JOE– JUMPIN JOE- this generation’s Bob Guiney
KYLE– LBCizzle
AARON– Science teacher?
ALEJANDRO– minority 1
JOHN– AKA the WOLFMAN
ALESANDRO– the Brazilian who has lived here 40 years
MICHAEL– Rock of Ages
STEVIE– WTF DJ
TONY– Single shirtless pops Portland
TRAVIS– Murse in the shape of an Ostrich egg

And of the boys cut:

Glad the Hermosa Guy is gone- no offense, H-towner, but you boys can’t commit worth sh%^.  Six kids guy! Don’t cry. You’ll find someone. Fresno is tough, bro. Marine Biologist, you are very dramatic.

There’s a lot of man-crying involved in future eps…. can’t wait.

Lerone, I am gonna find you…!

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2 thoughts on “An Egg and a Few Six Packs

  1. Doug is my favorite. When the episode was over I turned to Charlie and said “my cousin J* lives in LA and she needs to go and find Lerone”. Too funny. I think you could learn to love his small dog, haha. Anything is possible. 🙂

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